Growing up in church

I grew up in church, being brought there by my mother when I was in elementary school. I had no clue what it was and was a shy kid. As I continued to attend every Sunday, I still never understood the sermons or who God was but just that this was a place where I needed to be respectful and listen. Gradually, I saw going on Sunday mainly as an opportunity to meet friends that I don’t see normally and to catch up with them. There were many days when I did not want to attend but my mother would insist that my brother and I go with her. My brother was too young at the time to understand the lessons and I sort of just took the end of Sunday school as a time I could go to McDonald’s with those church friends and enjoy a good meal. Even during prayer time when everyone was having serious conversations with God, I would just close my eyes and think about what I want to do that day for fun.

Looking back, I considered myself one of those people mentioned in Matthew 15:8-9, “These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. They worship me in vain; their teachings are merely human rules.” 

As I continued to go through middle school and high school, I started to get more into playing video games and spending more time with friends. Sunday slowly started becoming more of a nuisance to me and interfering with my personal time. In school, science became my favorite subject and I would study animals and living organisms during my free time. When my science teacher started going through the origins of human life and the theory of evolution, it all made sense to me. I would have discussions with my father and aunt about evolution as well as watching science shows with that theory – people came from monkeys, and the big bang was what created all life. At that time, most of my friends who originally attended church stopped attending and I was in Sunday school with mostly younger kids. Moreover, I felt everyone in church was misguided and I was the only one who knew the truth, like in Psalm 10:4, “In his pride the wicked does not seek him; in all his thoughts there is no room for God.” But in fact, I was the misguided and prideful one. I informed my mother about not wanting to attend church anymore and that I believed I was an atheist. She was upset at my decision but knew that since I was older now that I would have to make these decisions on my own. 

Stopped going to church and started feeling emptiness 

I enjoyed my time away from church, being able to sleep in, beat all my games, and spend more time with friends but something inside me felt different. I was able to do all the things I wanted to do and had plenty of time to have fun, but I felt empty, like something inside me was missing. I would rebel against my mother more through these high school years and believe no one really understood me, not my family, not my friends, not even myself. Around this time Pastor Tan became the new pastor of our church. I remember my mother telling me to join her for church again because they wanted to try having a new Sunday school and I decided to go to support her. That is where I met Pastor Tan and shared with him my thoughts about evolution and science. He listened but didn’t judge me. He said he would pray for me and recommended I come to church whenever I can. Once in a while I would attend to make my mother happy, maybe 1-2 times a month, staying late because I couldn’t drive and had to wait for my mother. As I attended more Sunday school classes taught by Pastor Tan’s wife and seeing her praying for us and crying, I thought to myself, why was this person shedding tears for me. I couldn’t understand why but I felt very touched by this gesture that someone unrelated to me would care about me in this way when I thought only my family would. This was truly a life-changing moment, and I felt something inside me pulling me back to attend her Sunday school classes more. I started to enjoy the lessons she taught as I was able to relate to my own personal life. In Luke 15:4-7 it states “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’” God has a way of bringing that sheep back.

Now, nearing the end of my high school years and before heading into college I was finally able to receive my driver’s license and found myself attending church regularly. During this time, I was asked by Pastor Tan to preside over the younger generation and although it was a lot of work, I found myself enjoying it. I would read the Bible whenever I was bored, finding interest in the miracles that Jesus had done, prayed before going to bed, and overall had a much better outlook on life. I felt the emptiness inside me finally close; whatever had been missing was now there. During prayer I felt someone was listening to me and sometimes when I asked God questions, answers would pop into my head. I would pray for things that I would not share with even my own family.

When I felt sad, I prayed. I would also come to God in prayer when I made mistakes and asked for forgiveness. I even thanked him for being able to wake up every day and going through the challenges that were tough because I came to know it was all part of God’s plan. My attitude started to improve, and I noticed myself having an overall positive outlook on life. This was also when a big change happened in my life. 

Losing a dear aunt

Around this time my aunt was diagnosed with cancer and was going through chemotherapy. Never would I have expected someone so nice and giving would be in this situation. She was the one who helped me through my first semester of college and sat with me as I chose my classes. I remember times when I had arguments with my mom and told her that I would go to live with my aunt instead because she has always accepted me into her home. When I had low self-confidence, she was the one to motivate me. I found myself praying that a miracle would happen but she continued the treatments. I noticed it caused her a lot of pain and she eventually denied going through more treatments. She had the opportunity to go through alternative medicine but denied that and chose to give it to the children who were suffering instead. Near the last three weeks of her life, Pastor Tan would visit her a lot and preach to her. Trying to bring her to God and hoping God would save her. My aunt, a wholehearted atheist who believed in self-sufficiency and whom I thought would never believe in God, eventually believed and was baptized right before she passed away. In Isaiah 49:15-16 it says, “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me”. I learned that although my aunt was lost, she was never forgotten, and it was all part of God’s plan for her to come back to him. Even people whom you would never expect to come to God would be found and saved. Through this whole situation, it strengthened my faith knowing that miracles can happen under God and even someone like my aunt who was against God was forgiven and brought into his kingdom. I started to read the Bible more and come to God in prayer, thanking him for everything he had done for me and asking for forgiveness for the mistakes and sins I may have committed. I know if God forgave my aunt’s sins, he would forgive and save me also. 

Entering a time to look for a life partner

Around this time, I started to get into dating and even online dating. I noticed I would have the most in common with people who are believers. I found myself wanting to find a life partner who was also seeking a relationship with God. One of the prayers I had every night was for God to bring me someone who believed in him and would be an amazing wife, like my mom. I stopped online dating and was introduced by a friend to attend a hiking event to meet some other believers around my age. This was where I met an older sister who oversaw the weekly Friday fellowships at the mother church and invited me to attend. She even told me there were single girls in the group that were also seeking Christ as I was. After attending a couple of meetings, I noticed the gap between growing up in America and not knowing much English was just too great. I saw myself being different and not able to fit in. I found myself losing hope and not attending the Friday fellowship anymore. After a couple of months had passed, I reached out to this sister again and asked as a joke if she knew any new people who were single and seeking and she said yes. I decided to attend the Friday fellowship one more time, thinking it would be my last try, but did not expect anything from it. 

My first meeting with my wife Jiali was a very awkward one. We were both nervous as we shook each other’s hands. I did not work up the courage to talk to her and was pulled by this sister’s husband. So we didn’t get to chat much, but the sister provided Jiali’s WeChat and we continued to talk online. I noticed we have so much in common and when we went on our first date it seemed like she was searching for the same life partner as me. I prayed to God that night saying if this is meant to be, please guide me and help me make the right decision. Later on, I found out we naturally got along well, and I realized she was everything I was searching for. Although we only talked for a short period of time, we decided to make our relationship official.

Living a blessed life under God’s watch

Throughout our relationship, we shared so much of our lives with each other. I found myself sharing personal stories with her, from the painful loss of my beloved aunt to the deep regret I felt for times I had treated my mother harshly. I shared my story of growing up in church, losing faith, then finding my way back again. While I shared my story with Jiali, I saw she truly accepted me even with the mistakes I had made in my past. She also expressed her desire to seek God, and we started studying the Bible together. I enjoyed our discussions and helping her form a habit of praying every night. We started praying together every day in the morning and at night, attending worship on Sundays, and even praying before meals, thanking God for what he has provided us. I continued with personal prayers every night, thanking him for his provision. One day I decided to propose to Jiali and to my shock, although we didn’t date for a long time, she said Yes.

In Ecclesiastes 3:1 “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven.” I knew that although it didn’t happen right away with prayer, God did provide me with the perfect life partner, an amazing and caring wife more than I could ever think or ask for. 

Through all of my life experiences I can truly say that I acknowledge myself as a sinner saved by God’s grace. I was proud to share my stories with my wife and bring her closer to Christ, knowing that he was speaking to her through me. Even the impossible can be possible through God. I noticed my whole outlook on life and personality has changed. I started having fewer negative thoughts and believing any hardship is God’s plan for me. The hole in my heart is finally filled and I feel complete. In John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” God having his only Son Jesus die for me and save me even though I do not deserve it is truly an honor and a blessing. I feel touched and cannot imagine any parent who would give up their own child to save others who are not deserving. No matter what happens in the future I know everything is in his plan, I can trust him completely and I will continue to honor him in everything I do. In true faith, God will forgive you and save you by his grace, not by what you do. I know God will continue to fulfill his plans for me. I can truly say that I will never be alone, and no matter what happens in the future, I will not be afraid because God will always watch over me. “The LORD will keep you from all harm – he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.” (Psalm 121:7-8)